When I started to figure things out for myself, I instantly wanted to know more. I think I was about 15 or something when I was like, "Why the f#%k am I not vibin' the way I feel I should?!" I actually can only remember that at this point that I was always curious about a lot of issues that where bubbling in my thoughts but couldn't get the relevant answers. The more I learned was the more curious I got. I found myself wondering why people I grew with didn’t want me to be exposed to certain things… realistic things which was happening all around me. That hindrance just made my curiosity grow and I began to find myself in settings that responded to my intensity. I started to think a little bit further than my usual scope of thought, but nothing random... mostly proactive ideas, concepts that started to make me realize my own potential and I eventually made it a habit; not yet realizing that I was learning what self-confidence was, but I just kept going and without hesitation.
One thing lead to the next and I was starting to feel drained. I had been linking and networking with a number of people, but after a while I began to feel like I was doing something wrong. I felt uneasy because it appeared to me that my peers couldn't appreciate my way of vibin' and there wasn't really anybody around to confirm my concern or guide me either. I still kept pushing however, and it eventually seemed like the more I pushed was the more my acquaintances started to ridicule the stuff I did and said… so, that’s the part where I started to feel drained out. In my daydreams I knew what I wanted but I couldn't figure out how to make my daydreams materialize to ease my increasing frustrations. I probably was totally convinced at this point that I needed some serious assistance to help me block the obvious distractions.
Things remained the same until I went to Mexico – mi paradiso. That was where I started to believe in things I thought about; I actually started to remember to believe in myself and continued learning what self confidence was all about but in a more detailed fashion lol. The only logical explanation for the ridicule I would get was simply because my confidence offended their insecurities. Who was I to feel that my life was worth more? Who was I to feel like I should treat myself with the highest levels of respect? Who does that?
When I got back home, it just got worse. “Fucked up” is more like it… to the point where what was so easy just magically transformed to almost impossible. Sometimes I feel like Jamaican people don’t entertain confidence because they like arrogance, but they’ll kill you if you get too successful which became a revelation to me at the time of how irony in its simplest form can be depicted. I didn't know what the fuck was happening… confusing isn’t even the best word to describe it. “Fucked up” still feels more like it but thankfully I quickly learned before I became insane.
One of the 1st power points up to that moment in my life that had also taught me a timely lesson in maturity occurred when I returned to the Land of Wood and Water (click link to see wonderful JA'can art) followed as such; the more I kept priceless information to myself and only shared it with ones who were more experienced than me in that area of struggle, the better and safer I’d be. I had to get smarter or it would cost me my life. People that I thought were my friends later on defined the phenomena of hypocritical behaviour as well which is why re-defining what true friendship really is has now become a ritual and a lifestyle for me. At that point, reality started to take a toll on me because my health was also under attack. I was getting heated easily and cold, frustrated, not to mention de-motivated. I was about to give up until I realised that all this bullshit was supposed to happen. How else was I supposed to see shit clear?
Everything happens for a reason… if all I could see was negativity, and I started to believe that life is “Fucked up” then all I would get would be straight up FUCKERY! My mind was creating my lifestyle. When I started to feel down I persistently kept myself in that state of mind instead of trying to stay positive like how it used to be when I was a juvenile. Back then all I wanted to do was have fun and I didn’t have time to think about anything else [That’s why I can get along with kids easily, those days were one of the best so I can relate to that ;)]. Now I realise that being sheltered guarantees low self-esteem which is a set-back, and that hinders progress… nothing is more important than feeling good, NOTHING!!!
One thing lead to the next and I was starting to feel drained. I had been linking and networking with a number of people, but after a while I began to feel like I was doing something wrong. I felt uneasy because it appeared to me that my peers couldn't appreciate my way of vibin' and there wasn't really anybody around to confirm my concern or guide me either. I still kept pushing however, and it eventually seemed like the more I pushed was the more my acquaintances started to ridicule the stuff I did and said… so, that’s the part where I started to feel drained out. In my daydreams I knew what I wanted but I couldn't figure out how to make my daydreams materialize to ease my increasing frustrations. I probably was totally convinced at this point that I needed some serious assistance to help me block the obvious distractions.
Things remained the same until I went to Mexico – mi paradiso. That was where I started to believe in things I thought about; I actually started to remember to believe in myself and continued learning what self confidence was all about but in a more detailed fashion lol. The only logical explanation for the ridicule I would get was simply because my confidence offended their insecurities. Who was I to feel that my life was worth more? Who was I to feel like I should treat myself with the highest levels of respect? Who does that?
When I got back home, it just got worse. “Fucked up” is more like it… to the point where what was so easy just magically transformed to almost impossible. Sometimes I feel like Jamaican people don’t entertain confidence because they like arrogance, but they’ll kill you if you get too successful which became a revelation to me at the time of how irony in its simplest form can be depicted. I didn't know what the fuck was happening… confusing isn’t even the best word to describe it. “Fucked up” still feels more like it but thankfully I quickly learned before I became insane.
One of the 1st power points up to that moment in my life that had also taught me a timely lesson in maturity occurred when I returned to the Land of Wood and Water (click link to see wonderful JA'can art) followed as such; the more I kept priceless information to myself and only shared it with ones who were more experienced than me in that area of struggle, the better and safer I’d be. I had to get smarter or it would cost me my life. People that I thought were my friends later on defined the phenomena of hypocritical behaviour as well which is why re-defining what true friendship really is has now become a ritual and a lifestyle for me. At that point, reality started to take a toll on me because my health was also under attack. I was getting heated easily and cold, frustrated, not to mention de-motivated. I was about to give up until I realised that all this bullshit was supposed to happen. How else was I supposed to see shit clear?
Everything happens for a reason… if all I could see was negativity, and I started to believe that life is “Fucked up” then all I would get would be straight up FUCKERY! My mind was creating my lifestyle. When I started to feel down I persistently kept myself in that state of mind instead of trying to stay positive like how it used to be when I was a juvenile. Back then all I wanted to do was have fun and I didn’t have time to think about anything else [That’s why I can get along with kids easily, those days were one of the best so I can relate to that ;)]. Now I realise that being sheltered guarantees low self-esteem which is a set-back, and that hinders progress… nothing is more important than feeling good, NOTHING!!!
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