Episode 1: Feeling Good

When I started to figure things out for myself, I instantly wanted to know more. I think I was about 15 or something when one day I randomly asked myself, "Why do I feel like I'm not effortlessly vibin' in my own damn skin?!" As I glide through that timeline of thought processes where I posed that question to myself, I think I remember being curious about many issues of the human heart... The raging variety. Each quandry would effectuate a bubbling sensation of more intense curiosity the older I got, each time I found a suitable answer. I even found myself wondering why it seemed people I knew all my life would shun exposure to certain things; random occurrences that exposed a glaring lack of awareness of many meaningful situations in my environment. 

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was building up nourishing and necessary contrast. I started to think a little bit further than my usual scope of thought, concepts that started to helped me greatly to realize more and more of my own potential... I pretty much made it an unconscious habit at that point. I was learning what self-confidence was at a semi competent level. Incidentally, it almost felt like a type of rocket propulsion that kept pulling me relentlessly. I didn't want to stop either.

One thing lead to the next and I would often feel drained. I had been linking and networking with a number of people in my environment who were mostly affiliated in the field of arts and entertainment, but after a while I began to feel like I was doing something wrong. I felt uneasy as I'd receive random and frequent indicators in my mind of things that didn't exactly feel like endorsing. I couldn't relate to the way my peers wanted to "hol' a vibe" or the viral goals they subscribed to. At that stage of my growth, those goals weren't exactly expansive enough for the desires and aspirations I was tuning into and there wasn't really any point of reference to confirm my concern or any one to guide me either. 

Of course, religion was my main source for guidance as it related to my complex emotional and spiritual episodes at the time but I still kept pushing. However, various situations I went through increasingly seemed like the more I pushed for clarity was the more my acquaintances started to ridicule the stuff I did and said. That initiated the segment where I felt extremely drained out. In my daydreams I knew what I wanted but I couldn't figure out how to make my daydreams materialize to ease my consequent frustrations. I then reached to the point where I was totally convinced that I needed additional and serious assistance to help me ignore the obvious distractions.

Things remained the same until I was blessed with an academic scholarship and went to Mexico to study briefly – mi paradiso. That was where I started to believe in things things I only thought about as fantasies because apparently, they were highly favored by random strangers (which right now are now great memories) that I found myself around in that setting; I even found myself remembering to be more inclined to believe in myself. My learning curve continued to expand on what self confidence was all about but in a quite detailed, liberating and extremely eventful fashion... Conscious competence was within my sight :D The only logical explanation for the ridicule I would get in my home-town seemed to be that my confidence and passion for growth offended my peer's insecurities. Who was I to feel that my life was worth more? Who was I to feel like I should treat myself with the highest levels of respect? Who does that?

My awareness is way more keen on those moments when peeps in my environment find themselves insisting that I be more accountable; essentially meaning that I should try to always compensate for their inability to conserve or be mindful of their own energy. Unfortunately, when I got back home it just got worse. “F#@ked up” is more like it… to the point where what was once so easy just magically transformed to almost impossible. I found myself feeling that Jamaican families didn't appreciate confidence but they only knew how to react to arrogance. People would even go as far as to kill you if you got too successful and self-confident which became a revelation to me at the time of how irony in its simplest form can be depicted. I now know that there has been a powerful and negative spirit that had been allowed to grow in strength, attacking families across the Caribbean and wreaking havoc in countless forms but at the time I was still oblivious... thankfully, I eventually became more aware before I lost my sanity.

One of the first power points that I locked on to at that part of my life, was from a timely lesson in maturity, when I returned to the Land of Wood and Water (click link to see wonderful JA'can art) and manifested magically at a random intervals along my journey. The more I kept priceless information to myself and only shared it with ones who were more experienced and wise, the better and safer I’d be. I had to get smarter or it would cost me my life. Re-defining what true friendship really is, relationship building and attracting meaningful connections has now become a ritual and a lifestyle for me.

Everything happens for a reason… if all I could see was negativity, and I started to believe that life is “F#@ked up” then all I would get would be a straight up 'lame lifestyle' as my perceptions were inevitably shaping my outcomes. Now, I also realize that being sheltered and being bombarded by limited religious ideologies guarantees low self-esteem. This is a deadly set-back, and that obviously hinders progress, growth and nourishing self expression… nothing should ever be more important than feeling good about being confident and purposeful, NOTHING!!!